


The Paths We Trod

by Estelathan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s09e14 Captives, Gen, Season/Series 09 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:48:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7343593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estelathan/pseuds/Estelathan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Can I ask you guys a favor?" The ghost of Kevin asks and Dean has to swallow hard against the sudden nausea rising in the back of his throat because here it comes: the hammer is finally going to drop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Paths We Trod

 

 

“Can I ask you guys a favor?” The ghost of Kevin asks, looking between the brothers expectantly and Dean has to swallow hard against the sudden nausea rising in the back of his throat because here it comes: the hammer is finally going to drop. A million things flit unbidden through his mind because it’s his fault Kevin’s dead—he was the one who should have been protecting the kid instead of letting his cockiness reign like it always did, running to the same-old beat that no matter how deep he’s dug himself in there was still a way to fix things. Dean can’t imagine what more Kevin could possibly ask of them now that they’ve rescued and returned his mother, and the guilt over that feels like a two-ton weight upon Dean’s shoulders every time he sees the woman because in the end he’s failed her just as much as he’s failed Kevin. “Yeah, anything man.” He manages to rasp out after a minute past a dry throat, his guts still squirming restlessly because no matter what Kevin asks of him Dean knows he’ll do his absolute damnedest to follow through. From the side he sees a flash of a nod as Sam agrees as well, which is a relief Dean didn’t know he needed until something unclenches deep inside him.

Kevin’s ghost pauses, eyes flickering between the brothers for a moment like he can see just what’s going on inside their heads, and hell perhaps he can. After all the screwed up crap they’ve come across in their life a prophet-turned-ghost having the ability to read minds or whatever barely raised a ping on the weird-shit radar, Dean thinks, but before he can go on further with that thought Kevin begins to speak again. “Can you guys just stow it already?” Kevin asks, sounding exasperated despite looking perfectly calm…and what? For a hot couple of seconds Dean simply blinks dumbly because of all the things he was figuring Kevin could possibly ask for settling things with his brother hadn’t even made the list. A quick sideways glance shows Sam looks equally startled by the request though he’s doing a lot better at hiding how he’s really feeling about it compared to Dean who’s feeling like an open book. Naked and exposed. It takes a couple of seconds more of his jaw working soundlessly to get any sound out but finally he manages “What?” in a gruff, strangled tone.

“You heard me.” Kevin says, still cool as a cucumber despite having basically dropped a bomb between the three of them. “Just because you couldn’t see me doesn’t mean I couldn’t see you.” He goes on and Dean feels his heart drop somewhere along the line of his toes because seriously? How much had he seen? Dean wants to ask, had he heard them as well? How could he ask such a thing of them? Of him? And just like that Dean’s off and semi-worrying about it because in addition to feeling like complete and utter crap he’s starting to look like it too. A quick glance in the bathroom mirror had revealed as much this morning: pale skin, perpetual red-rimmed eyes, absolute feckin’ tired expression that came from too many long nights with less and less sleep. Add to that the nearly complete lack of appetite Dean’s been sporting for the past few days or so and there you go: one beaten down Dean Winchester. Though perhaps Kevin doesn’t have any crazy ghostly abilities after all because when Dean finally pulls his head out of his cloud of introspection Kevin has this sad little smile on his face yet one eyebrow is cocked challengingly. It seems ghost or not it figures that Kevin’s still determined to be a pain in Dean’s ass and more than anything else that breaks him inside. It’s clichéd and stupid and nothing short of what he deserves and leaves Dean caught somewhere in the grey area between wanting to puke and feeling like he should treat this all as if it’s a big joke.

In the end he doesn’t do either one because Kevin’s been going on talking completely oblivious to his little check-out session there, snapping out of it in time to hear: “---mom is taking home a ghost. At least you two are still here.” and fervently wishing he hadn’t because more than anything else, Kevin’s right. Despite all the crap that’s been going on between the two of them, Dean and Sam were still standing and that was more than he could say for Kevin no matter that the blame for that lay squarely at his feet. Now that his head’s been momentarily pulled out of his ass (yet again) Dean can’t help but ponder just why Kevin doesn’t seem pissed. Maybe it’s a ghost thing, or maybe it’s just a Kevin thing, but despite his chiding words the ghost seems to be taking everything in stride…which is well, weird. In life Kevin had been an outrageous ball of emotions and the thought that perhaps it took death to finally calm him down is just too depressing a concept for Dean to think on for too long. He knows one thing for sure, if it was him, ghostly afterlife or not, Dean would be royally, flaming pissed…and somehow that thought just seems that much sadder when you stopped to think about it. Kevin’s not Dean and if he’s found some small measure of peace after all the crap he’s been through then Dean should be able to respect it even if he can’t fully understand it.

Speaking of being pissed…it suddenly strikes Dean that Sam hasn’t spoken a word, good or otherwise, this entire time. A quick glance over reveals his brother hasn’t flown the coop, though honestly Dean wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised to have found him gone, but the look on his face suggests he’d rather be elsewhere. He’s got that carefully crafted mask of blank calm on but Dean can see the lie behind the façade in the way the one muscle keeps jumping in Sam’s jaw which means, yeah, he’s still flaming pissed off. Dean isn’t the least bit surprised—he’s really gone and screwed things up this time, there’s no point in continuing to try to deny it because that was doing no one any favors and besides, it’s not like Sam’s liable to forgive him for it any time soon. If nothing else Sam can dwell on things for frickin’ forever but there’s a part of Dean that wishes he would just get over it one way or the other already. Explode or leave or both—at this point Dean’s ready for whatever.

Yeah, Dean screwed up majorly by tricking Sam into being possessed without his knowledge, and yeah he’s pretty sure that if their roles were reversed and he was the one that found out he’d been possessed without his knowledge he’d be pissed as well, but that’s not the point here as far as Dean’s concerned. The point is Sam’s still here, _still alive_ , to be pissed at Dean and no matter the circumstances behind it Dean just can’t find it within himself to apologize for Sam being alive. Can’t Sam understand that? They’ve both lost so much—their parents, nearly all their friends, and frankly Dean is sick of it. He meant what he’d said in that crappy church, there wasn’t anything he’d put before his brother, and he’s still sticking by it despite all the shit that’s gone down between them in the meantime.

It doesn’t really sink in that he’s been caught out staring (and letting his mind drift—that lack of sleep is really starting to catch up for as many times as he’s spaced out today alone) until suddenly Sam turns to him, one eyebrow raised and expression pinched and yeah, Dean’s well familiar with that expression as well. He should be considering how often it’s been aimed in his direction over the years: it’s Sammy’s ‘what the hell’s wrong with you, dude?’ look and while Dean’s usually able to deflect it without a second thought his radar must be broken because seeing it with so much anger still boiling behind those familiar hazel eyes makes something inside him shrivel up and die. He can only imagine what Kevin thinks—it doesn’t take a genius to see that ‘stowing their crap’ was going to be easier said than done. _You’ve really gone and screwed things up this time!_ Sam’s expression says, his eyes seeming to harden the longer he looks at Dean and finally Dean can’t take it any longer: he cracks first and looks away, ignoring the stabbing pain in his guts as he does so.

_Can’t you see it’s a lost cause?_ Dean thinks bitterly at Kevin as he forces his head to raise to look the ghost in the eye nevertheless. It feels like a lie as he nods his agreement, and it is really, and they both probably know it as well but Dean’s willing to go along with it as long as Kevin is. He carefully doesn’t look around to see what expression Sam has on his face—he’s fairly certain he doesn’t want to know.

Thankfully Kevin doesn't appear to be nonplussed by whatever look Dean's giving him and for the first time since this whole mess started Dean feels like he can breathe just a tad bit easier. The guilt's not gone, not by a long shot, but at least Dean hasn't resorted to his usual cover of lying through his teeth and shoveling bullshit on top of it to smooth things over so he's willing to count this one as a semi-win no matter how screwed up it leaves him feeling inside.

The feeling manages to last through the rest of the farewells, which aren't much considering all of them are still skirting the issues that lead them here in the first place, and by the time Kevin and his mom have disappeared through the bunker's door Dean feels like he might even make it through speaking to Sam...Only to turn around to face an empty room. The echoing sounds of a door slamming deep within the bunker confirm his suspicions: Sam's long gone. For a moment Dean simply remains there, his shaky breathes echoing loudly in the emptiness. _So much for stowing our shit..._ He thinks ruefully, and after a few more minutes of idling there like a stuck car he manages to get moving again.

His feet inevitably take him back to his room, to his headphones and the solitude and the ever-present guilt that's come roaring back with a vengeance and lacking any other course Dean welcomes it with open arms. He turns his iPod on, jams his headphones on, and falls into bed just like he’s done every other day and attempts to drown out his thoughts to the beat of ‘Lonely is the Night’ with little avail. His bullshit promise to Kevin still hangs in the air like a specter despite the spirit being gone and no matter that Dean didn’t mean it he can’t escape the feeling that he needs to do something. Anything. There has to be _something_ he can do to fix things between him and Sam—even if Sammy won’t ever forgive him. With that in mind Dean closes his eyes and lets the music sway him; if nothing else he’s not a quitter, and he’s going to keep his promise to Kevin even if it kills him in the end.

 


End file.
